Facebook registered its 500 millionth user not too long ago, but if you’ve been using Facebook for a while, you’d be tempted to ask: does it really make a difference?! 500 million or a billion, most of them seem to be drawn into these neat little categories of annoyingly stereotypical activity. Read on and find out how many people on your friend list belong to the following:

‘My daily activities are so important that the world needs to know about it.’

This bunch of people live under the happy delusion that they command so much respect and attention that everyone on their friend list is dying to know what they do throughout the day. They will not spare an opportunity to update the most trivial piece of information that nobody gives a Tweet about. These people are like self sustained newspapers in which every page documents their supposedly awesome life in the minutest of details. Whether it’s eating a vada pav at Jumbo King, waiting in line at a doctor’s clinic or petting a stray dog at a bus stop; doesn’t matter: it has to be updated as the status supplemented by 50 photos as evidence. Thankfully, those on their friend list can use Facebook’s most wonderful tool – the Hide button – to be spared of this overpowering generosity.

‘I didn’t have lunch today, please feed me some sympathy.’

You are sure to have one of these people on your list: the sympathy vampires, who like to stick a straw in your neck and suck on the last drop of pity left in you. They usually post a depressing one-liner stolen from some loser site or exaggerate their problems as if they are the only ones in the universe whose world is shattered by tragedy. Not tragic enough to come and post it on Facebook, no?

Think about this: the very fact that you have a computer, an internet connection and you are literate enough to be on Facebook puts you in a better place than millions of people around the world, deprived of the most basic of necessities. Forget the millions who struggle to get 3 meals a day, you didn’t get your favourite brand of coffee one day and you come to whine about it on Facebook as if it is a national emergency. Sheesh!

‘I have an opinion on everything raised to the power of infinity.’

Ah, these are the omniscient, omnipotent, omni-stupid tools who feel the moral and civic responsibility of commenting on every goddamn post on Facebook. They feel that they are doing the world a great injustice if they fail to comment on even one seemingly pointless post. You can expect their rapid-fire reply within seconds of posting something.

Even if they have no idea about the issue, they will still post some vague dumbass comment, displaying their rich experience in the vast field of idiocy.

‘I’m cool because I’m deliberately cryptic.’

How many times have you come across people who post extremely random, puzzling things like “82 and no more”, “Blue with white dots”, “The Eagle has landed”, “Code Red! Code Red!”, “Abort mission: the FBI are on to us.” as their status?

This is the category of Facebookers who always leave little riddles in their posts. These Dan Brown-Riddler cross breeds will, however, never disclose what the hell such lines are supposed to mean, leaving you majorly pissed about having wasted 5 seconds of your life trying to figure out the meaning of it. Does that make them look cool and mysterious? No. Stupid and frustrating? Yes.

How to deal with these people? Leave equally random and cryptic lines as comments: a taste of their own bullshit!