Yes, let’s talk about sex, baby. But before we do, let us consider the amount of time we spend thinking about it. Apart from the special times we spend with ourselves (by which I mean masturbation – I want to be clear here), there is the times when we see or meet people we want to have sex with, the times we see or meet people whom we wouldn’t usually have sex with but we’re five beers down, the times we scroll through our various social networking sites and see pictures and gifs of Ryan Gosling or Mila Kunis, right now even as you read this…. Really anytime, someone says “sex” and you’ll be thinking about it at least theoretically.
In all those examples, I bet you thought of sex the way we always do – where it lasts long (really long), where all the orgasms are real, where somehow everyone’s hair looks great throughout the whole process.
4And that is our prerogative as human beings – to imagine and rise above the mundane and the everyday experiences we have. But let’s get real, folks. This is how it usually goes down.
First, whenever we think of sex, usually there’s very little background noise. Sure, there’s your usual Naughty America background noise of people saying “Oh yeah, baby, right there” and “My penis is clearly surgically enhanced” as well as a few grunts and moans, but nothing much else. This is probably because we’re all used to porn where *bow chika pow wow* is the dominant soundtrack.
The truth – the dominant sound when you have the actual sex will be silence.
It’ll be the kind of silence that you shouldn’t pay attention to because then it’ll become awkward in your head and you need to concentrate on having good sex.
Apart from the deafening silence, you will hear the sound of bodies lightly (or not so lightly) slapping against each other. Soon this will overpower the silence and you’ll find that you’re glad for it. If the sex is not very good, you can make up a song to the rhythm. Further, nobody warns you about the amount of talking good sex usually requires. Communication is key. You will always have to say things like “don’t suck my toes”, “yes, do that again” or even “Let’s try that one position we saw the other day…”
There is also the accidental fart. As someone who has very rarely noticeably farted in public, it came as a shock to me to know how much your previously silent body holes can start making noises before or during or after sex. The fart can be a fart, or it can be a quief (which is a fart your vagina can produce), and either way, it’ll be audible. However, don’t panic – it’s your bodies way of reacting to unexpected activity in the nether regions and releasing the air that pelvic movements and other things collected into your various holes. It’s perfectly natural, however embarrassing.
Next, when you have sex your body releases a lot of heat and humidity. Most of this will cling to your skin, which is the important part – you will sweat like you never sweated before. Only unbelievable amounts of air conditioner or winter weather is going to stop you from sweating all over each other. Seriously there is going to be copious amounts of paseena.
Drops of sweat may even fall from the face of the person on top to the person on the bottom. The good part is that your bodies cooperate well with sweat during rigorous activity such as sex. Also, it won’t smell that bad, and even if it does you’ll barely notice it compared to the not very savory smell that generally accompanies sex. No deodorant or cologne or perfume is going to help you here, so seriously, just embrace it. You both have human bodies – start accepting what they are meant to look and smell and sound like.
Sometimes, amidst all that silence, body slapping noises, the sweat and all the uncomfortable noises and positions you may find yourself looking up or looking down at your sexual partner, and for some inexplicable reason, you may be amused. The best case scenario here would be that your partner is amused as well for his/ her own reasons. Sex laughter is one of the most incredible natural highs the universe provides you with and sex with a person who likes laughter as much as you can actually be pretty amazing.
You will also be amazed by the number of times you don’t end up having a condom. This will result in all sorts of hurriedly negotiated compromises – you each give the other a hand job, a blow/ lick job, you have sex but you pull out at the right time, you do it in the butt…. There are always options, none of which Hollywood prepared me for.
Yet another factor that movies or porn never account for is how difficult certain positions are to accomplish – even the theoretically simple ones sometimes require that you and the person you’re sexing with are either of the same general height or have a huge height disparity, usually the former. This means you have to be willing to pick up people, to remain aloft in the air, or just be uncomfortable in order to have sex in those positions.
In conclusion, there is a lot to sex. And I personally choose to look at all these unfairly ignored factors as just adding to the fun – it proves you’re having sex with a human being. Laughter and talking and weird positions and farting is all part of the fun of interacting with human beings. Men and women and men and men and women and women should all accept that. Otherwise, the world will never have universal orgies, and who wants to live in that dire future?