So, your forty-five year old portly and half-bald uncle could swear on his only pair of black leather pants that college was the most incredible part of his life and he used to play in a badass rock band (which could explain the leather pants), and that beer flowed free, everyone was promiscuous AND SO, life was sweet.

However much of an embellished bullshit this may sound, college might actually live up to the wasted uncle’s heaven-on-a-stick depiction. IF you can do it right.

Hum bhi Dabannng!

The most important tip for you if you are a freshman: learn to be comfortable in your skin. The rumors about eighteen year olds spending a fortune on cosmetic surgery before coming to campus are likely to be untrue. Though, what might be true is that college can get a little intimidating for starters. Because no matter how self-assured a life you may be leading previously, college will bring with it different people with different ‘swagga’ (frequently used by students with email ids like ‘2hawt4ya’ or ‘luv_me_u’) some of whom will insist on shoving their coolness (read: fake Salman Khan-like accents) down your throat. This may temporarily make you feel a little disoriented and you may even be compelled to get your lip pierced or butt tattooed. Just don’t end up making an irreparable mess since you will have to, sooner or later, find a way back. So slip in to your Osho chappals and peace off!

The Look

That settled, you now need to figure out your very own too-cool-for-school expression. This is the face you make when crossing college verandahs. Pair it with a deliberate, slow walk, even if you’re running late for your next lecture and you can make your presence felt both in corridors and in classroom when you make a grand, late entry.

Expression 1: The Doped and Depressed Cynic

This is the most popular look in colleges. You will show them that you hate them. It is also likely that you look like a million dollars. You’re most likely to wear this expression (or lack thereof) if you’re a boy. Girls will swoon over you. They’ll think you’re their Darcy. They don’t know why you don’t talk. You have a speech impediment.

Expression 2: Perpetually Thrilled

You were probably the only child who didn’t cry when you were born. You did not only freak out the doctor, but also your classmates, who think that your sheer, shiny happiness, will burn them to ash. You go around telling strangers that you love making friends and they must must must ‘make some’ friendship with you. Again, you’re probably a boy. Girls have frequently got you beaten up by their brothers.

Expression 3: ‘Nai Yaar Main Thora Busy Hoon’

A little bit of both the above mentioned expressions. You pretend to constantly text or talk on your phone. You also give out a high-pitched, fake laughter every now and then as you simultaneously roll your eyes at the rest of your classmates because they are clearly not worthy of your attention.

The Conjugate Roommate

Students who are new in the city and are experiencing hostel life for the first time are in for a slight shock. Rule of thumb: Whatever you thought was yours is now hostel property. Sure you were daddy’s little princess who would eat hot choc fudge after dinner every night all by yourself while mummy would caress your hair and straighten your tiara. Not anymore. Chances are that your roommate, if she happens to take an intense liking towards you, will insist upon the fact that you were sisters in previous birth and because of the karmic connection you must share everything from your bra to your boyfriend. As it turns out, creepy roommate movies aren’t just fiction. How to keep them off? Get creepier. Buy a set of knives and sharpen them every night in front of her, then smile and say,’ In good time.’

Gaali-galoch

You’re in college now all right, but have you prepped up your lingo for the same? Whether it’s new Hinglish words running the campus or cusses being thrown around at random, be updated. This obviously doesn’t mean that we’re encouraging you to use them. Only, when something happens to you (and we’re just saying), you know, in the least, if you should or shouldn’t take offence. KNOW. For the sake of general knowledge.

Pyaar, Ishq aur Mohabbat

College also smells of love. It’s the best time of your life to meet new people, hold hands, fool around, fall in love and then get into a relationship with a girl/boy who is in the same class as yours, knows about your every minute activity, goes back home and texts you for hours and constantly breathes on your neck. If you want to make it more interesting, date your professor. No. Don’t. I was kidding.

Oh, and if you have time, study. You might want to convince yourself that all college drop-outs eventually become rockstars. Doesn’t happen.